Making the calls

My brother Pete and I were never close. Sometimes, most of the time, the distance was very intentional, either on his part or on mine. I loved him anyway, and I know he loved me.

So when I decided to write about his life, I knew I would have to rely on others to fill in the details of his life, because I would know almost nothing. Over the past eight months, I've been reaching out to people to set up interviews, to ask friends and family to tell me about the Pete they knew. I and they recognize that the information gathered will be imperfect; dates are uncertain, people have slightly differing versions of the same events, some things may not be recalled at all. Nevertheless, I'm confident that there will be enough to give the sense of who my brother was and what his life was like.

I recognize that this is my project and no one else's, so that when someone agrees to give their time, it is a generous thing indeed. It's been hard for me to reach out to people with this request, a "cold call" of sorts, to my brother's friends. I feel the shadow of my awkward teenaged self, the uncool little sister to my brother's jock and rock musician friends. I've never been good at asking people I don't know well for anything, so this process is a bit angst-inducing for me.

And there are a small folks who are not responding. I find I have a disproportionate reaction to them, a tide of fear that rises. I remind myself...some may be very busy, with careers, travel, family. Some may not want to revisit the past and the sad loss of a friend. Some may be unlikely to share personal information, or may feel loyal to an old friend and want to keep confidences. Some of these friends may have their own struggles with substances for which a discussion of my brother's addiction may hit a little too close to home. Of course, it is completely reasonable if someone feels they aren't able to participate.

I recognize it is required that I set aside my hesitations to make the requests, often repetitively. This story is too important to those of us suffering in the world of addiction, which, through our situations or those of loved ones, means just about everyone.